Sportive

Eleven things every cyclist will experience on a big ride

From pre-ride procrastination to the devil on your shoulder...

It seems no matter whether you’re off on a mega solo training session, or about to head out on a century club run, major sportive or key race you’ve been targeting for months, the day of a big ride will always see riders go through a similar cycle of emotions and experiences.

A few details may vary here or there but that long day in the saddle, from the morning procrastination to the evening slobbery, will include a number of sure-fire elements in some way, shape or form.

Here are eleven things every rider will experience on the day of a big ride.

There are some things almost every rider will experience on the day of a big ride (Pic: RideLondon)

Pre-ride

“I could just stay in bed…”

After the ludicrously early weekend alarm has been silenced, and the cobwebs have been dusted from your mind, your head flickers between completely contrasting thoughts. One minute, it’s the excitement at the big ride that approaches, the anticipation of the speed and excitement of riding, and the challenges of the road ahead.

But then, the primal instinct that sensible people follow at this time on a weekend kicks in. “Hmm, I could have a lie in, watch Saturday Kitchen, have a bacon butty. I’m not sure I fancy a day of suffering… what if I have bad legs today?” But no. The excitement returns. Then the nerves. Then the excitement. And on it goes.

The breakfast banquet

Having finally prized yourself from the duvet, the best part of the morning arrives; fueling up for the day ahead. Porridge is carefully and lovingly prepared following the best formula in the world – your own. Piles of all the different nuts, fruits and honey you can find are added, and the delicious bowl is scoffed. Coffee is drunk.

This is only the start… (Pic: Achi Raz/Creative Commons)

Then you think: “Well… I might as well have some toast and peanut butter, I need the fuel after all.” Toast is devoured. More coffee is drunk. Then it’s time to the fridge to raid whatever leftovers you can find. Then yet another coffee. But it’s ok, it will all be burnt off… won’t it?!

Procrastination

Despite having consulted three different forecasts the night before, the weather for the day is scrutinised yet again. The carefully considered clothing selection decided on the night before is scrapped and a new outfit planned. The gilet and arm warmers you carefully laid out last night are thrown in the cupboard, and a long sleeve jersey is dug out.

Shortly after, you stick your head out of the door to test the temperature. The gilet and arm warmers are pulled back out of the cupboard and put on; the warmer jersey returns to the cupboard.

The ride

Initial excitement

Fueled by a heady cocktail of adrenaline, caffeine, and a breakfast to fuel an elephant, it begins. The big ride hath commenced. All previous plans of taking those first miles easy to warm up the legs and save your best for a triumphal and epic finish are abandoned, and you plough ahead with reckless abandon. You take the road at a pace which is far from sustainable, dreams of heroic breakaway riders a la Tommy Voeckler in your head.

The self-doubt

As the repercussions of your early exuberance bite into the legs, the nerves that were jangling around your mind this morning return. You suddenly remember the missed training sessions, the second helpings of pudding, and the extra beers that have punctuated your meticulously planned training regime.

“What if my legs fail me? What if I suffer a disastrous mechanical?” Self-doubt and negativity briefly flitters through your mind throughout the ride, only to be cast aside as each miles is ticked off and climb overcome.

“What have I let myself in for?” (Pic: Antton Miettinen)

The breakaway

Up the road you spy a solitary rider… in your mind you become the relentless Vasil Kiryienka-style domestique of your favourite pro team, tasked with reeling in the breakaway. You resolve that you’re going to peg back your helpless victim and then drop them with effortless panache.

Five minutes later the chase still underway… and yet still ongoing after ten minutes… eventually they turn off down a road that is not on your route. You breathe a sigh of relief. In your mind, you have not failed. They merely wilted under the pressure of holding you at bay.

Ok, it’s not Chris Froome you’ve spied up the road but it feels that way…

The devil on your shoulder returns for another bite

Remember, that self doubt from before? It’s back. You pass the final point of your ride at which you can cut back the shorter or easier way. The epic route has been selected in a flickering moment of madness.

The inner demons return as you remember that climb on the route home and you spend the rest of the ride with your legs starting to sting and hunger beginning to knock, until the arrival of the mighty col. It may be a five-minute, five per cent tickler, but by this point in the ride it begins to really hurt. Time to repeat Jens Voigt’s mantra: “Shut up legs!”

“Shut up legs!) Pic: Alex Broadway/SWPix.com)

The triumphant return

And now, the end is in sight – hoorah! Miraculously, all feelings of fatigue vanish and a second wind overcomes you. Your head fills with thoughts of your heroic return and your legs relish the prospect of, well, getting off the bike.

It may only be a training ride, but you feel like a hero… (Pic: Sirotti)

The final miles are a blur of wildly churning legs, and a sense of overwhelming anxiety and urgency to get to the finale. All attempts at class and finesse are abandoned; the end is all that matters now. In your head you are a composed picture of sporting prowess; to the external observer, you’re a dribbling, sweaty mess.

Post-ride

Strava!

The ride is done. The bike is flung into the closest corner and you stagger bewildered into your home. Having thrown half of your kit all over the bedroom, the remainder is left on for now. More important affairs need to be dealt with. The Strava upload commences.

You watch the computer screen in anticipation while the file uploads, relishing the prospect of reviewing all your hard earned PBs and KOMs. Oh, wait, there are none. Ah yes, it’s because on that section you eased off to take a drink. And up that hill you were waiting for your mate. And the excuses and self-justification goes on. And on.

The first thing you do when you get home? Upload to Strava, of course

The feast

You’ve been salivating at the prospect of this for the last hour of your ride (or in some cases, since you started); the post-ride recovery and refueling meal. Cue the absolute destruction of the kitchen as you somehow use almost every implement available, clear the cupboard and cause carnage. Whether the meal takes two minutes or twenty minutes to prepare, it’s seen off in a matter of minutes, with barely a pause for breath. And then it’s time for more.

Recovery (slobbery)

The rest of the day is assumed in a horizontal position, with minimal movement of limb or utilisation of brain. Those chores and commitments which had been planned for the remainder of the day are instantly abandoned, probably not to resurface for a good week or so. Sitting on the sofa watching repeats of Come Dine With Me in a slight daze are all that can be achieved for now. Anything else is just, well, too hard as you re-live the ride in your mind and, once the pain has eased from your legs, the next adventure is planned.