Features

WorldTour Wrap: it’s transfer mayhem month!

Sue Storm to Astana, and UAE Team Emirates to sign a Siberian Tiger? You heard it here first

The weeks after the Tour de France are a bit of a weird one as far as pro racing goes. Any rider who performed well will find himself with a lot of lucrative post-Tour criteriums to attend, which means they tend not to appear in any of the actual races. Also, they’re absolutely knackered.

So pickings are slim, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t a few standout moments in the last seven days.

Yogi’s ‘I know that guy!’ moment at RideLondon

You know that moment when you run into someone at work and you recognise them but you’re not sure why?

Well, believe it or not, this phenomenon effects pro cyclists too – except, instead of bumping into Linda from accounts, they meet former wearers of the yellow jersey.

We’re talking here, of course, about David Millar’s star turn in the BBC coverage of RideLondon as motoman redux.

While cowardly journos and former pros like Simon Brotherton and Chris Boardman cowered in the studio, Millar took to the back of a camera bike to give an up-close-and-personal insight into the race.

At one point he got so up-close-and-personal, he gave Ian Stannard a real ‘do I know that guy?’ moment.

It’s transfer mayhem month!

Today is August 1, and so beginneth every cycling fan’s favourite month of the year: transfer mayhem month.

Actually, our favourite bit is the rampant speculation that immediately precedes the opening of the transfer window – and in that spirit here are some rumours that we’ve been hearing about potential big name moves.

Taylor Phinney to join Dandy Warhols

Phinney famously has a real laidback vibe and affinity for philosophy and art, which is why some media outlets* have suggested the Cannondale-Drapac rider might be getting picked up by similarly relaxed outfit, The Dandy Warhols.

The West Coast psychedelic rockers have been around for a long time and could conceivably be looking to freshen up their line-up. Phinney could also deploy his TT skills to tug the tour bus along between gig engagements to save on carbon emissions.

*literally none of them

Taylor Phinney’s feeling so bohemian like you… (pic – Sirotti)

Astana to sign Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four

It’s believed Astana boss, Alexander Vinokourov, is pursuing the signature of Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four, better known as the Invisible Woman.

Sources close to the Kazakh team say the fact she’s used to wearing blue and can turn invisible at any moment means she will slot seamlessly into the current team dynamic.

Warren Barguil to Fortuneo-Oscaro

No wait, apparently this is a real one? How’d that get in here? Seriously, Fortuneo? C’mon WaWa, you’re better than that.

Mikel Landa to become a ride guide on cycling holidays

Because there’s nothing he loves more than towing slower riders up mountains *cough*.

All aboard for Landa’s Climbing Tours (pic – Sirotti)

Sky to sign ten more PR interns

Mainly to serve as a phalanx of bodyguards to protect Sir Dave from unfriendly car park barriers and even unfriendlier journalists from certain cycling websites.

Also, Terrence suffered a severe case of burnout during the Tour and has had to be sent to a nice quiet farm for a few months.

UAE to sign Fabio Aru, Wayne Rooney and two Siberian tigers

Because when you have a budget like they reportedly have lined up for next season, why wouldn’t you make some YOLO moves in the transfer market?

Expect the team bus to also get some sweet upgrades, like hydraulic suspension and some of those fierce spinny hubcaps.

Dan Martin’s spineless performance

Last week we learned that Dan Martin, the QuickStep Floors climber, finished the Tour de France with two broken vertebrae.

That’s two bits of his spine. Broken. It’s an alarming admission, but it does explain why Martin could barely walk when he go off his bike after most stages.

The Irishman showed a remarkable combination of pluck and bloodymindedness to get to Paris, after the dreadful crash on stage nine that saw Richie Porte abandon the race.

Dan Martin breaks past the pain barrier… caused by a broken back (pic – Alex Whitehead-SWpix.com)

Here are six things we’d rather do than ride just one Tour de France stage with a broken back:

Get our leg run over by the new UAE team bus.
Get clawed in the face by the new UAE team tiger.
Fight Bernard Hinault in his protester-punching prime.
Go to a dinner party where Dave Brailsford and his favourite journalists Daniel Benson and Matt Lawton are the only other guests.
Be Oleg Tinkov’s personal masseuse for a month.
Explain to some Belgians why Fabian Cancellara was a better classics rider than Tom Boonen.

Chapeau, Dan!